Where have I been?

Two days shy of four months without a single blog post.
I started this blog to use as a sort of journal, or release. I started this blog to talk openly about my mental health and as a form of therapy. I started this blog for the same reason I started the many before this one, in an attempt to become a regular centered blogger.

Nearly four months and I haven’t blogged once. So where have I been?

The last time I posted, I was in at the very beginning of my fitness/health journey. I had read the book “Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes and felt ridiculously inspired to start my own Year of Yes. Starting with my health. In many ways, that was the only way I stuck to my attempt. At the end of October 2016 I started going to the local gym in the high school daily, I started eating much better, and I started embarking on a more spiritual journey.

I was working every day and going to the gym after, then meditating and going to sleep to repeat the process. Now, my job is a seasonal job and I got laid off for the winter in the first week of December. I know, I know. I’ve been unemployed for nearly three months and still didn’t blog. I don’t really know what it was that kept me away. I think I just got so wrapped up in maintaining my little IG account as well as my other social media that I just didn’t want to bother with blogging anymore. Over the last four months, I lost 15lbs or so, then maintained the loss +/- 5lbs until this last week. I had started doing yoga when I was laid off from work, and so my daily routines consisted of eating right, meditating, working out, and doing yoga. I was thriving through the months of November and December with all of this. Then January hit and I sort of got so wrapped up in family events and cheat meals that every day became a cheat meal.
This happens literally all the time with me. For the last 5 years I’ve been yo-yoing hardcore. Always starting a new diet, a new plan, a new life, with the attempt of that time being THE time. Then about a month later I was over it. I would succumb to my cheat meals, and to my laziness. I’m a chronically tired person so it was easy to rationalize. This last journey I started, I developed an intense fire inside of me and never lost it. Even when I feel off the tracks, my mind was still determined to get back on. I tried at least three times in the last month but would rationalize a derailment again.

Things got complicated for me when the guy who supervises the gym Tuesdays and Thursdays told me he was a personal trainer. I paid him to write me up a starting program. I have massive anxiety and this plan was making that worse to do in public. He has me doing foam rolling stretches and things twice in the workout, and at my gym, it’s just an awkward situation. I’ve had anxiety about going back in and not doing what he told me to do, but rather sticking to my old routine that was working. To make it worse, I found out he’s pretty good friends with my rapist. (Did I forget to mention that? Yeah. My rapist goes to my gym. He started going about 4 weeks after I had been there and has gone daily since.) Now, this man knows I was raped.. as I openly posted about it on facebook where we became friends, though I did not tell him who by. Sometimes I wish I had/would.

Either way, I finally had enough. I was getting to the point where getting back on a healthy diet plan was such a depressing idea, that I knew I HAD to. So I’ve been taking this week to redo my diet and get back on track. My mind is ready again. My mind is stronger already.

I had stopped meditating, yoga, healthy eating, and exercising. So it’s safe to say I’ve been a mess the last month or so. Not too bad, as I’ve gotten really bad plenty of times before, but I’ve gotten to the point where I know what I need to do.

The gym has been closed this week as it’s at the High School and works on the school hours. Next week it opens back up again, and I can’t wait to get back in there. The gym became such a safe and inspiring place for me. I became so comfortable. I’m determined to get back to that.I’m determined to say YES to fighting it my anxiety and becoming me again.

I’ve also been working (rather slowly, unfortunately) towards a neo-pagan path. I’ve been doing research and reading the ways of Wicca and of just neo-paganism and trying to learn as much as I can before I embark full force into this. I’m anxiously awaiting the next few weeks and months as I hope to progress on my path.

So that’s where I’ve been. That’s what’s happened.
Now I’m going to try to get back to blogging. I’ll be creating a category for posts that are political or opinion based or just random posts as well as another for my fitness journey. So stay tuned for more from me. More organized posts than this one has been. (After all, this is just a catch-up post.)

As always,
Love, Light, and Peace to you.

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