Recently I posted about my setback with my depersonalization disorder. I am happy to report that since then I’ve made tremendous progress.
One of my symptoms that I dealt with was my sense of touch. I wasn’t connected mind to body like most people are. The touch of my own hands on my leg, or my own hands together was incredibly foreign and barely even there. It’s very difficult to explain this in a way to help you imagine what it’s like, so I’ll try my best.
Think back to the last time you fell asleep with your arm underneath you and your entire arm fell asleep. As you move and allow the blood to flow in your veins properly again you’re overwhelmed with this tingling sensation. Have you ever tried to move your hands and fingers while this was happening? Imagine that sensation now, but without the tingling. That’s what I felt like for 424 full days. I could see my hands and body so that I knew what was happening and when, but I couldn’t feel it the same way as I used to. Instead it’s as if I was very distant from it. You don’t realize what you have until you don’t have it anymore.
On Friday at work, I was typing up my latest blog post about my EMDR therapy. For some reason in the midst of typing that blog, sitting here at my desk where I sit now typing this one, I felt a shift. It’s impossible to describe it, but it’s as if my entire body just shifted from one dimension to another. It took me a bit to process it so I sat staring at my keyboard in front of me. The first thing I then did was put my hands together. I felt them. I felt them there, and I saw them, and I felt them. I felt connected to my body. I ran into the bathroom and called someone to see if other symptoms had lifted. They hadn’t, but this one lifting was still ridiculously exciting. I put my hands together, then touched my arm, my leg, my face. I grabbed onto everything I could just to feel it again. It was an exhilarating happiness.
The best part is that it hasn’t gone away yet. In my post “Finally a win” I talked about other symptoms of mine and how they left but came back a bunch. This one hasn’t come back yet. It’s gone. It’s been about 72 hours and it’s still gone. Everything is better than it was. Hugging my boyfriend feels better. Taking a shower feels better. Brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, washing my face, having SEX! I feel like I’m back in my body for the most part.
Sure, my voice still feels detached and my arms and face don’t seem familiar, but I’m more connected in ways that I haven’t been in 424 full days. That’s over 10 THOUSAND hours.
I’ve had ups and downs, but I’m hopeful that this up stays up. Even if it doesn’t, I’m prepared. I’m good. I’m in control.
Here’s a happy, healthy, unfiltered, in control selfie:
Peace, love, and light to my readers. ❤