One step forward, two steps back.

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” Thomas Paine 

When living with a chronic disorder that disconnects you from reality and makes you feel forever as if you’re in the wrong body…you take what wins you can get. You take the wins and you embrace them and grovel in them and soak up every second of them you can. As amazing at that feels, it also sucks when the moment is passed and you’re back to the way you were.

I recently posted about how  I had a moment of clarity with my symptoms of Depersonalization (DP). It was something that occurred during my meditation practice one night and it was the first time in over a year having any sort of relief from the DP. It was the smallest victory that felt tremendous. One of my symptoms has to do with the way I perceive sounds. (Weird, I know.) One night while meditating I suddenly realized I could hear everything so much clearer. The sound of my washer was crisp again. It was fresh. It was amazing. Since that one night, I have had many of those moments. I went on a mini vacation with my boyfriend shortly after that moment and I had those moments over and over on the drive with him. It was SO exciting.

Then one night about a week or two ago I was driving through town to pick up my boyfriend from work and a song from the 90’s I used to love came on. Backstreet boys. Of course the 90’s kid in me burst out in song and dance while driving down main street. I’m unsure if it was the overwhelming nostalgia or just the pure joy I was experiencing but I was DP Free. I pulled into the Wal-Mart Parking lot and I was 90% DP free. For anyone else who suffers with DPD or just DP as a symptom, you know how surreal that feeling of freedom finally is when you get it.

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After of course filming an excitement video and sending it to everyone who matters in my life to me, I calmed down to enjoy it. It only lasted about 10 minutes but it was incredible to feel free for a short time. This experience also showed me something. It showed me really just how much control I had. The problem with DP is the over self-monitorization. No that’s not a word, but I’m using it as one to get the point across. Something we do with this symptom/disorder is constantly focus and pay attention to the symptoms themselves. I’ll say something to someone and then immediately focus on how disconnected my own voice is. That’s the worst.
After these few breakthroughs I was able to start almost consciously coming out of it. I was able to actually almost meditate myself at any time out of it. It’s so complicated to explain because there aren’t already words strung together in the right order to reference. Until you go through it, nothing will describe it 100%. I was confident and excited with this new feeling of being able to concentrate and relieve some of the symptoms.

One step forward.

Last weekend things with my family weren’t good. I still currently live at home(/with family)  while I save money and wait for my boyfriend to save money also. I have gone to college and lived in a dorm for several years though. Doing this had awoken me from my reality and changed me. It gave me independence and made me realize I don’t live/nor want to live the way my family does. I’m much cleaner, much more organized, much everything. I left on medical leave at the beginning of 2016, and was living with my Mom, Dad, and sister. I’ve written another post about why this was a disaster. This last weekend a confrontation with my mother resulted in me running outside having a massive panic attack. It was probably the worst panic attack I’ve had since my grandmother passed away in 2013. After that attack I haven’t been able to focus and get that freedom back. I haven’t had a second away form the DP. I’ve actually been experiencing an increase in the severity of my symptoms. It makes perfect sense since DP is a defense mechanism to anxiety/panic. My mind is simply protecting me. I wish it would stop again, but it hasn’t.

Two steps back.  

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I also lost a week of my meditation due to these complications. I’ve recently moved out of my house and in with my Aunt and cousin and soon Uncle. It’s only been two days and I’m fighting the ‘awkward anxiety’ of living in a new house for the first time in 22 years. I’m staying patient though. My room is set back up to be my zen center and my meditation has picked back up. I’m hoping soon to find my freedom again.

I just have to let this run it’s course in my mind and assure myself I’m okay.

As always-
Peace, love, and light to my readers.

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