There are many of life’s experiences that remind us what it is to be human and alive. Celebrating a victory, mourning a loss, having something to fight for, loving another person, making someone smile, etc. For me, all of these experiences are different because I have depersonalization disorder. I experience all the emotion and feeling for the split second it happens and then it’s gone. Depending on the severity of the event, sometimes things will last a little longer. I’ve managed to deal with this symptom of my disorder for a while however lately, there’s one aspect of being alive that I’m so disconnected from that it’s been getting to me.
Photographer unknown, image pulled from Google images.
It’s the most intimate activity the human body can partake in and parts of me ache because I feel like that gets taken from me.
I slept with my boyfriend the day after I met him. (Keep your judgment aside. We’re human, we had needs and were crazy attracted to each other.) We were crazy about each other all the time. Every second we had a chance we would be intimate. We would spend hours just making love and being one with each other. He was the first man I’d ever been with who made me 100% comfortable in an impossibly short amount of time. We had four months of beautiful and pure intimacy before the onset of my disorder.
At the beginning, sex was one of the few things I could do to feel connected again. The problem is that those feelings of connectedness only last for a short amount of time. It’s common with depression to lose one’s sex drive. Which is why reflecting, a diagnosis of MDD would make sense. (There are way more reasons than this, this is just what I’m discussing now.) I never thought I would be one to lose it, though. I felt like I was horny all of the time and ready for anything, whenever and then suddenly I rarely had that feeling.
Now there are other factors that contribute to my lack of libido also. Factors that may also be contributing to my DPD or MDD thus causing the DPD.
I’m twenty-two years old and in a situation where I live at home with my parents. This is the farthest thing from my ideal plan. I want more than anything to get out of my family’s home and back out into my own place to start my own life with my boyfriend. There are just a few factors that are in the way of that currently. Still, I work Monday through Friday, 45 hours a week, and save money for my future. The problem is that I work at 7am, an hour away from home so I have to wake up at 5am every day. My boyfriend is on an entirely different schedule and lives with his family still for larger reasons also. This means that Monday-Friday I cannot stay the night with him. Yes, I stay the night with my boyfriend under the same roof as his mother and her boyfriend and we do find time to be intimate. (Like sneaking around is a new thing in today’s world.) For this reason, though I stay with him only two nights a week. Every Friday and every Saturday.
Sex becomes almost a bit of a chore after so long when you’re in this situation. As anyone in a long-term, serious relationship knows (Unless both people are asexual or any other reason similar) intimacy is key to a degree. I once read an article about basically “taking one for the team”. A woman made a post with a very good point. Sex is one of the basic human needs and sometimes we owe it to ourselves to fulfill this need. I mean Maslow would argue to meet our basic needs, no? In this sense sometimes I feel it an obligation. *Please note that this is ENTIRELY different from having sex without consent. If I say no, I mean no and that’s the end of that discussion.
When I say that sex becomes a bit of an obligation I simply mean there are times when I am not in the mood, but he is, yet I want him to be satisfied because I love him and I know I want the same in return sometimes. There are nights when I’m just too tired, I ate too much for dinner, or I’m just too depressed or disconnected to want to have sex. Only having two nights a week together puts pressure on this idea that if we don’t have sex those nights then another week will go by that we don’t get to have that intimate connection.
I also know that once we get started, I’m going to get into it and be grateful we did it. It’s more about the physical pleasure. It ignites the fire between us again emotionally and gives us this connection that is indescribable. So sometimes I feel this obligation to kiss him a little longer, to hold him a little tighter and to love him a little harder.
Let me make this clear again: he does not make me. He does not force me. I do not “let” him have sex with me. I do not give up and have sex. I make a consensual choice that even though I’m not turned on and horny to attempt to get to that point with my boyfriend and make love.
In the heat of the moment, everything is heightened and amazing and pure bliss. But as I said previously it does not last in my mind. Once the rush and blood pumping through my veins and heart beating incredibly fast all ends… I’m stone cold. I don’t show it though, I just smile and kiss him and get ready for bed or to go out or whatever we’re doing. There is this emptiness that consumes me, though. Sometimes I crawl into bed and shed a couple of tears because I can’t feel it. I can feel the sadness in the moments after from losing the passion, but even those feelings don’t stick around for long. I’m incredibly lucky to have a boyfriend who is patient and understanding and who will just hold me when I need to be held and who has an abundance of unconditional love for me as I journey through to recovery some day.
This is one reason I’ve been practicing mindfulness. The moment is when I am most connected, so the moment is all I have. The moment is all anyone has. I’m learning to live in it.
Peace, love, and light to my readers.